Why Santa Claus from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a bastard

Far be it for me to go and destroy an icon of Christmas and favorite go-to guy for kids with Christmas wishes, but that bearded elf from the classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a bastard. I came to this conclusion while viewing the annual broadcast, which, I must note, was in freaking November. But that's for another blog entry. Don't believe my assessment of his bastard status? I'll walk you through my thought process.

Here he is, probably about to eat one of the deer.

The first indication of the fact that the man is an insufferable prick is during the reindeer practice. Here we see Comet walking eager young reindeer (who look an awful lot like regular deer, now that I think of it) through various games meant to help them someday pull Santa's sleigh.

Comet: Santa's partner in bastard crime

Except, that will never happen. In all the years we've been hearing of Santa, have you ever heard of anyone other than the original eight getting to pull the sleigh, with the obvious exception of Rudolph? No. There is absolutely NO turnover in that place. So here we get a bunch of young kids to work their antlers off making them think they have a future, when in reality the only future they have is one of crippling unemployment rates and all the problems that go with it.

Yeah, she's cute now. But wait until the stress of no income causes Rudolph to give her an Irish kiss. Then we'll see her on cops wearing a tube top and spandex crying about him hitting her, but not wanting him to go to jail as she holds two young kids with another in the oven and smoking a cigarette.

But the really troubling issue is Santa's apparentl dislike of Rudolph, simply for being different. Yeah, the guy who would only be more creepy about kids if he had a van instead of a sleigh, is critical of someone for being different. And not just critical, but warns Rudolph's dad that if he has any hope of pulling the sleigh (Which he doesn't anyway) he better get that whole glowing nose issue under control.

Ho ho! When I was your age, we took freaks like you and drowned them in the Arctic Ocean!

I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised about his dislike for anyone different. Look at his elf corps. The females look like Hitler's wet dream but short. The guys all look the same except the head elf and oh, get this, another character who is chased away from being different. This is starting to be a serious issue here. Maybe that's why Santa keeps his operation at the North Pole, no pesky Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to make sure he hired that one minority elf that keeps applying for a job.

"Why would I hire him? I can't even pronounce his name!"

The whole intolerance thing really makes you wonder what Santa considers naughty-list worthy offenses. "Oh, Billy. Yeah, he has those big ears. Coal. Samantha? Psh. Big feet. I'm not wasting all that leather on shoes. COAL! Steven..yeah, STEVEN want's a BARBIE! The only Barbie he'll be playing with is a Barbie-Q cause he's getting coal!"

This apparent intolerance combined with lack of support for his labor force really calls in to question the whole jolly old elf image we're bombarded with since childhood. Makes me really believe that the more realistic possibility here is he's just like every other old white dude with a long beard who lives in the middle of nowhere. He's just a redneck bastard.